I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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