Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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