If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
