Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's always time for handjobs
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
