We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
