i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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