A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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