yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
