I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize