i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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