thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
