If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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