I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
