She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
