why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
