i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize