yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
