I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
