this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
