Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
