all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
