my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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