Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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