I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
