I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize