I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize