Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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