Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
