What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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