I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
