Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize