Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize