Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
