My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
