god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
