It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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