It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
