Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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