uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
