I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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