today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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