i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
