there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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