she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
