I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So squirting runs in the family.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
