Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
