Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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