Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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