Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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