you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
