I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
