Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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