I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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