i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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