If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
