Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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