I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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