I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize