Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
