I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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