Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just gift wrapped bread.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize