chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
