We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
