I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
