just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
