I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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