you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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