Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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