My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just gargled with NyQuil
COCAINE IS GR8
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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