i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
